You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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