I can tuck mytits in my pants
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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