so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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