You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
