I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
