i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
