Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
is it fun? or sober?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
