Please don't use social media to get back at me.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
