theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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