So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
