i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
