and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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