Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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