I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
