I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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