Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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