I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize