just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
