Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
