He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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