ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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