I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
