I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
