It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
