I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
