Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
