i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize