I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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