Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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