Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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