Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
