make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
