Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
