Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
