I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
