Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
