Your face is a jimmy john
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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