Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
