I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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