I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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