Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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