I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
