college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
