he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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