I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
