my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
