guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
