Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
