This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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