oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
