I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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