This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
