You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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