Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
