Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize