he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
