sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Congratulations! We have a period
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize