The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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