Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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