so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
